The ARMY now allows you to enlist up to the age of 42. Not only is this a drastic and direct strategy to counter the dismal recruitment numbers, but a clear sign of desperation from the current administration.

Something that is obvious and hasn’t been discussed at lenght is that if they fail to reach the numbers required to keep the war machine running, the next step will be a military draft, starting with young people from poorer areas and those receiving some form of government subsidy.

At the same time, even if you’re a 42-year-old millennial, you can still enlist (if you have nothing better to do with your life and want to be just another cog in the machine).

For the rest of you who don’t feel the need to die (or be maimed) defending the monetary and criminal interests of certain people in the 1% and occupied warring territories in the Middle East, here are some tips so you can stay home watching Netflix with your dog.

– Flunk the ASVAB. Literally, fail the entire math and verbal sections. Yes, even though the army accepts all kinds of blunt tools and not-so-bright lightbulbs, they won’t give you a gun if you can’t count to 100 or read a few sentences.

– Say you identify as a transgender person and are currently undergoing hormone therapy; or simply that you’re gender-fluid depending. Correct them on your name and pronouns. Recruitment officers will appreciate it.

– During the psychological evaluation, pee (or sh!t) on yourself. Then say that the mere thought of putting on a uniform and legally firing a gun gets you so excited up that your body goes into ecstasy and you become incontinent.

– You can always start doing recreational/hard drugs, fail the test and/or develop alcoholism. This option is fun if you’re the type with self-control, lots of friends and a vibrant social life, but WARNING: It’s a temporary measure with a specific goal, not a new lifestyle. You’ll need to be in good health if you want to lounge accordingly during war-times.

– Another high-risk, high-reward option is to start doing extreme sports like downhill skateboarding, motocross, jet skiing, mountain biking, etc. As a beginner, with any luck, you’ll end up with a fracture that takes 3–6 months to heal. Take the opportunity to rest and binge-watch your favorite anime. Remember to always wear a helmet, and have 9-1-1 on speed dial.

– If they ask about your religion, tell them you’re a Maoist vegan Muslim that needs to sit down and pray every three hours (trust me, they won’t ask you to elaborate. They’ll also won’t understand the difference).

-You could say you have two personalities: one that loves the United States, and the other that identifies as a man stuck in the Cold War, but on the Soviet side. Both smoke cigarettes, but one prefers vodka and AK-47s and the other bourbon and AR-15s. Dismiss any accusations of bipolar disorder. You’re sure of it because the voices tell you you’re fine.

-You can also say you’re a therian, and need to bring your accessories and clothing. Otherwise, you don’t know if you can maintain your sanity. Also, therians aren’t allowed to use guns.

If everything else fails, have this one in your back pocket, ready to be delivered. I can assure you, it will get the job done.

“I am a conscious objector that’s against killing children, women, and non-combatants.