A new hero emerges during the Ukraine – Russia crisis

Shortly after the Russian invasion began, unconfirmed rumors spread widely across the internet of a mysterious Ukrainian lone soldier terrorizing the Russian military within the first hours of the war.

Apparently, this unknown military hero dubbed “The Ball Fondler of Donetsk” on social media, has been visiting numerous military Russian Camps dressed as a combat medic. He then would wait till the soldiers started falling asleep, take off his gloves and put his hands on ice packets. What comes later is the stuff of nightmares. Using some kind of technique not yet explained, The Ball Fondler of Donetsk would caress the Russian soldier’s balls with his bare-freezing hands, and disappear instantly by the time he has fully opened his eyes.

“Tales are going from camp to camp. Soldiers are scared. I can’t sleep anymore knowing that he’s out there, somewhere, just waiting. A lot of us are taking turns sleeping short naps with our backs against each other to protect ourselves from a surprise attack.” These were the words of one of the Russian soldiers from an elite unit that I personally interviewed (he asked to remain anonymous).

In a widely shared video, one that it’s very blurry but you can make out what is happening once you have the context, you can see the Ball Fondler of Donetsk exiting a Russian camp running after loud screams were heard inside. The voices were yelling: “Ahhh, my balls. Shit! It’s so cold! What is this?”

The story has mostly spread via social media, with users claiming they have definitive proof of this enigmatic man of courage (or woman) identity. Both presidents from Ukraine and Russia denied commenting on this breaking news. But a government representative from the USA’s Defense Ministry told me: “If someone is grabbing balls, they’re obviously European. No god-fearing American patriot would be anywhere near another man’s balls. Especially with their bare-hands.”

Although it’s certainly helping turn the tides of this ill-matched conflict, we have to be careful. The use of sleep deprivation has been recognized by the international human rights framework as a method of torture or cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment or punishment. This very may well be considered a war crime, prosecutable in international courts.


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