Note for the lost explorer [found]

“To the reader finding this note, even though it was written by the same person, [me], there is another one present:
The one that lived through the story and died,
and the one that wrote the words and is now telling it”

I live a normal able-bodied life with a great partner and enough financial stability to have a “good life”. Kind of rough up-bringing with my parents, there was always food on the table and money to pay the bills, but nothing compared to the actual bad stuff, mostly mid-level trauma that you grow out of once you get old enough the get the fuck out of your house and make your own life. At least they’re there if I need something or hit rock bottom, there’s some comfort in that.

The problem lied within me. Ever since I was little, something was off emotionally. It wasn’t about psychopathic/sociopathic stuff like hurting animals, myself or others; just cut off, distanced from everything, like some things that would traumatize a normal person, I could just brush them off and keep on going with my life unaffected. Or maybe I was affected, and just buried it so fast I didn’t even registered it.

The actual confrontation with myself came once I found access to other layers of the web. I could literally hide behind a VPN and search whatever horror or information I could want. The first time I’ve spent weeks going down rabbit holes, hoping to find whatever, anything, something that may wake me up. I was numb, but driven in my search.

Then the nightmares started, and the insomnia,. It got bad. I couldn’t sleep alone, I was looking over my shoulder even inside the house. My subconscious was de-fragmenting all those horrendous things every time my brain went idle. Even though I couldn’t remember them exactly, they lived inside of me. They changed me. I wasn’t the same person after those couple of weeks.

Life goes on, and you heal. You “go back to normal”. Start to forget some stuff. Until the years pass and suddenly the urge haunts you again. A longing to get shocked again, break from the normality of the routine.

You can do it, it’s right there, literally at a few clicks away. Go in.

Now this experience is different. You’re prepared, more specific, you start to question yourself. “Where did I stop? Why did I stop here? Can I keep going? Dive even further down into the depths of uncensored humanity. You can do it. Face the fear, face yourself, challenge your inner desires.”

Any “normal” human being would certainly avoid this type of interaction with the real evils of society. Monsters [not even people anymore] boasting their accomplishments, making others suffer for their enjoyment, turning their deepest darkest thoughts into concrete actions to be recorded, uploaded, shared and enjoyed with like-minded individuals living and working among us.

Makes you think about the neighbor living in the apartment next to you, the coworker that always eats the tuna sandwich for lunch, the stranger picking apples right next to you at the grocery store.

Even though there’s certainly more good than bad in the world, it really is a messed up placed, no… Let’s not kid ourselves. It HAS been a messed up place since the beginning of humanity.  

One thing these experiences have taught me is that I can’t blame people that do not wish to explore, abandon their comfort zone, find out more, face the truth, challenge their own demons. If they live in happiness with what they have, know and feel, then who am I to judge them, and force feed them a spoonful of nasty reality. They have all the right in the world to shun themselves with caution and feel safe.

Many don’t believe in absolute truths, but there’s at least one that can’t denied:

“Ignorance is truly bliss”.”


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