I should be happy. Everything is falling into place, and even the worst scenario seems to deliver a pretty decent outcome. It’s a cause for celebration. right? Client portfolio is growing with great clients; money is flowing (even though markets are totally fucked, and I’m still in the red, whatever), work is getting down with no complaints, and I even won $50 in the lottery.

But here I am… Thinking about the sure and safe things that could still go wrong. Wondering what’s over the mountain once I start climbing down. What could be the ‘bad thing’ looming, and waiting to surprise me once I let my guard down.

Am I supposed to feel accomplished (and dare I say), happy because things are playing out in my favor? Who am I to deserve good things? Why am I getting all this doing the minimum any decent-working person does, while people who deserve it by slaving away their life and being actual good persons are getting screwed on a daily basis?

I don’t buy it. It’s fucked. And it lives rent-free in the back of my mind.

I even thought about what would happen IF I WON THE LOTTERY? ME! THINKING ABOUT WINNING SOMETHING WITH ODDS of 1 IN MILLIONS!!!

Damn… Being happy? Thinking about positive things?

Who the fuck is this person.